Two Years, almost to the day

Here I go again, returning to this blog. Of course my life is so crazy, I've had so many wild experiences. My life is so full & for all those experiences, I'm grateful! So, where do I start with the updates? I applied to nursing school. My husband left me (thank God!). I got into nursing school. I serial dated a bunch of guys. I met a guy I really liked. We moved in together. We've been together just over a year. I love him. I graduated nursing school. I graduated college. I'm looking for work. It's not as easy for a new grad nurse to find work as "they" lead you to believe. But I'll get a job. I'm sure of it. To be honest with you, I totally forgot about this blog until, like, two weeks ago. I went back & re-read it & some of it is really funny. Some is kind of embarrassing. I've grown up a lot in the last two years. It's all real, though. This will be a great place to start journaling anonymously, where I can vent about life... Is anyone reading?

three months

...and so much has changed. My husbnd has left. He dropped me off at school and took off. He probably went home to his gramma. Which is fine, ya know? For a good ten days after he left, I was in nasty withdrawal. It sucked.

So, I've been clean now for exactly one month today. It's been sorta hard, but also good. I have a great story about the night before my husband ran off. That story is for another day.

So, I've hooked up with this guy who's getting me some Opana 40's for tonight. I'm only getting four, because I can't start another habit. Plus, I gotta test well. I'm going to meet him for the first time tonight. We met online on a singles site. I don't care what if the dude likes me, as long as he's got my O's. How fucking horrible is that?

I also hope they are the real thing... O! How I miss the octogonal shaped lovelies with a 40 on one side and nothing on the other...

I'll letcha know how it goes.

Continued...

So, I continued using every day... and now, he's run out. He's been out for a couple days. Today both he & I are sick, but I cannot tell him why. I'm puking, I have terrible stomach pains, I'm shakey, I've had wrestless leg for days now, because I have only had small amounts of opiates. What I wouldn't do for something. Ohmygod, this fucking sucks.

Yesterday, I had a fraction of a fraction of a perc, which I blew as soon as he left the room. The stomach pains are tough. The vomiting sucks, the chills are awful... and I can't tell him why. I wonder if he suspects. I don't know. how can he not? I would.

I gotta try to make it through. It's so tough!

high. right now

Today, Hubsy went to pick up his script for my favorite pills. I thought he'd hand them right over, but he didn't. I believe that he suspects. Last week, I took four of his roxy 30's.

We had a fight about it. I told him I was sick of going through this every month. I was sick of him always running out before his appointment, getting dope sick. I was sick of not having sex (but, isn't that another story?). I was sick of him failing every single month and for letting the kids see him like that.

I also told him that I was "done" & I was going to live my life & he could live his. I was sick of his secrets... He never talks to any of his friends or family on the phone when I am around him. I have looked at some of his text messages on his phone & while I'm sure he deletes stuff he doesn't want me to see, I have seen him send things to friends that say stuff like, "I'm never alone here," and most recently telling his friend that he needed to call "before 9". I get home at 10.

Let me follow that up with, Hubsy, in the past (that is, before we were married), has always been a man whore. The entire time we have been together, he has always had me & then several other women on the line. While he may only be having sex with one of us, he's totally emotionally being unfaithful.

He has phone & text-sex with them, but not since we've been married, cuz I snapped his old phone in half & added him to my account. I see who he talks to & sends text messages to. It's just awful. I hate living like this.

Back to the pill fight... Really, I was mad about all that. But, I was also pretty pissed that I wasn't gonna be able to get high today.

I have made a resolution that I will never again steal pills from my husband with the intention of taking them for myself. I may snag one or two, but only to stockpile them for him. I'd like to get a little stash for him for when he needs a little extra here or there.

Eventually, he handed over the pills & gave me one separate from his & told me to use it at my discretion. He really does love me, I think.

He offered that pill cuz I have gallstones & have frequent gallbladder attacks. That shit gets painful... so I blow 10mg of Opana & it helps me feel better.

Back to the sex thing. We haven't had sex since either just before or just after Thanksgiving. I'm the horniest woman ever & it's killing me not to have sex. How can he do this to me? I mean, if it were me, I would have sex with him just to make sure he was satisfied. I would want to make sure that he wasn't going to have an affair. I would want him to be happy & feel good about himself.

I would certainly never withhold sex for over three months! Makes me feel like I'm completely undesirable. Like I'm gross or unattractive at the least.

What am I gonna fucking do?!

a year and a half

Lotsa stuff been goin' down here. I hope to never leave this blog unattended for that long again. Let's see, I got married almost 5 months ago, I'm now a sophomore in college with a respectable, (but not great) 3.54 GPA. I had a 4.0 till last semester, when I got two C's in Algebra & Anatomy.

Oh, I also blow drugs.

Yep, it's something that I've been doing almost daily now for a couple months. My husband, who I do love more than anything is in chronic pain & has been on pain pills for 12 years. He's an addict. He can't control his pill intake, so he gives them to me to hold.

It started out just kinda sneaking a quarter of a pill a couple times a month. It's grown into something I do daily, but it's gotta stop. He's gonna figure it out. I'm ashamed.

Lonesome

For the first time since arriving, I'm lonely.

I never knew the power of the pussy.

There was a family get together in South Carolina at my Uncle's house last weekend. I didn't want to go because I am so strapped for cash, it's scary. My brother & my aunt from Georgia were really leaning on me to go, so much so that my brother offered to pay for gas money for me to get there. It's about 350 miles, so a tank up & a tank back... about $100.

My brother & his "new woman" were in attendance. We'd never met her before, but we knew a couple of things about her. My father didn't have a good feeling about her. So much so, that he decided to do his own research into her background.

First, she'd said that she was born in Hong Kong & that her father was the CEO of IBM. He thought that was suspicious, & that was easy enough to look up. He found out that there have only been three CEO's of IBM, and they were all fathers & sons.

Obviously, that was a lie. She